Hey Gaia

So i haven't been on this Gaia thing for a while. Sucks because when I was on here here last for a good month i was all about it trying to meet new people and everything. Then I got my job and that just made everything different.

So lets talk about my job for a while. I think it deserves some attention. I been working for a convassing org called NJPirg. Basically I go door to door and ask people for contributions.  I think it's one of the best jobs I've had I think. I mean I'm doing a good thing. I'm gaining some good friends. More than anything I'm learning how to communicate better and integrate myself with the world.. You come across a whole lot of different types of people with this job. It's really great. It's the kind of thing I need. I intend to stay here for a while. I've changed so much already. It's helped me deal with a lot social confusion that my Path has brought me. Don't need to delve into it too much. But I feel it's going that way so maybe I'll roll with it...

I just got promoted too. I'd be lying if I said it was because I am such a good canvasser. It's really just because it's summertime and they need people to be field managers because there's so many people working since schools over. I like it a whole lot though. I'm sort of a leader again. I feel like I can be much more of an optimistic person when I have some responsibility on my shoulders. I'm becoming a lot more positive I've noticed..

I have a thought coming up that may have some relevance. I remmeber when I was working at the post office. I remember that just working there was very difficult for me. I really had to bite the bullet with it. But it worked out really well. among other things I experienced something that I won't forget for a long time. I remember having a couple of experiences while working there. I'll describe it in the best way I can. I remember maybe like 2 or 3 times, while working, my sense of self and my sense of someone else (a particular person, not just "the other" in general) would merge together. It only last for maybe a couple of seconds if that.  I can't remember who exactly it was, but it was very relieving for me on a lot of levels. It's lets you know that it's alright. All that suffering is alright.

I've experienced a lot of dissilusionment (and very much still do) over these  past couple of years. A lot of it having to do with the social realm. But whatever.  Ok I'm going to stop myself before I say something like I apprciate all that suffering, lol. It completley blows.  But fuck it. If you're on the type of Path you are bound to expeirence a degree of suffering. There's a lot of fucked up shit in peoples heads, and it needs to bleed out one way or another. And it fricken hurts.

Just yesterday I went to the Adyashanti website and I put on his latest audia snipit entitled "Life without a Story". So I sit down on my bed and tune in. And Adya says something that struck a chord more than anything I've ever heard Him say. "feel divided inside". These three words got me. I just started crying immediatley and my throat chakra was all tight and solid and i felt like I was surrendering into this type of inevitable misery that I have to accpet. Something like that.

It's probably because I've noticed this feeling that has become a lot more prevalent in recent times. I've been feeling more and more lonely. Not like a type of lonliness where there's no people. I'm more social than I've been in a long time actually. It's more of a pure existential lonlieness. It's the solopsistic side of my psyche. It's a beautiful lonliness. A lonliness that I choose to enter. A couragess lonliness...

Something tells me that the crying thing was just the begining. I mean it certainly wasn't a complete release. Afterwards I did go outside and felt oneness with the clouds and I thought "why the hell would I ever need to travel?? I have all I'll ever need and desire right here"  lol..

 Namaste

              Ed